February 2008

I opened one eye. I saw flesh. I opened the other. Oh dear. More flesh. I blinked a few times to gather my bearings. I observed that all that flesh was connected in one long body and that anything under that lean waist washidden by a blanket. I unwillingly lifted my head from the strong, warm chest it had been resting on. What had happened? I was so confused. I'd been having this amazing dream. My eyes landed on the body's neck and traveled upwards. Good God. Could it be? No. I was still dreamong. I propped myself up on my elbow and squeezed my eyes shut a few times. Focus. The chin that was so often held up stubbornly, the full, pink Jolie-esque lips that looked a bit swollen, the strong nose and all of its ridges, were all there. I needed him to open his eyes, then I could know for sure. I didn't know what to do. I fell back against my pillows, yes this was my own bed, and ran a hand through my hair. I was horrified to find my hair was sweat-soaked and a dirty mess. I moaned. Now I remembered, I'd been doing a lot of moaning in that dream last night. I was positive it was a dream. I'd heard from a wise girl that a dream was a wish your heart makes when it's fast asleep, and that was all the criteria I needed to prove my theory. One little problem, though. What the hell was he doing here?

I slid under the covers and peeked. I held my hand up against my mouth to prevent any noise. He had no clothes on. Looking at him, it was coming back so graphically. It was rough, amazing and passion-filled. His fervent kisses, his rough hands and tongue roaming all over my body, our desperation as we clung to each other, made it seem so real. I recalled that at one point I had buried my face in and wrapped my arms around his neck and squeezed my eyes shut to hold captive my tears. He'd gently removed my arms, spreading them eagle style on the bed, and stroking my hair whispering that it was alright, it was meant to be, this was supposed to happen. Was it? I turned on my side, away from him, feeling tears well up again. Had we just ruined everything?

His Point of View ( P.O.V )

The morning sun streaked through the windows. I opened my eyes to slits and let out an inward groan. I'd had a great night, a great sleep, and didn't want to rise. I felt empty, though. I rolled over and found I was alone in bed. Her bed. I smiled at the memory. But where the fuck was she? I jumped out of bed, threw on my boxers and wandered out into her apartment. I found her hunched over the kitchen table displaying our normal breakfast on the table. Pancakes, eggs, and bacon looked so good right about now. She bent down in the refrigerator to retrieve a carton of orange juice. I caught a whiff of her smell. She'd showered and was already dressed for the day.

I took a step towards her as she went to close the refrigerator door. Her floor creaked and she jumped a mile in the air.
"Shit!" She shrieked, as the carton slipped from her hand crashed to the floor. '"Ugh, you scared me."
"Sorry. You're so jumpy." She was blushing furiously and whirled around, looking for paper towels. I heard her muttering as she opened each cabinet.
"Anna. Right here." I said, plucking them off the table.
"Oh. Yeah." She slammed the cabinet door on her finger and winced as she stalked over to me.
"I've got it," I said, pressing the paper towels to the floor. Once the mess was cleaned up, I straightened and saw her staring. She caught herself and blushed again. What was with her today? Today was turning out to be the best day of my life and she was ruining it.

Anna's P.O.V.
Jesus Christ, get it together, I chided myself. I'd resolved to tell him it had all been a big mistake and we should just carry on as if it had never happened. But then he'd wandered into my kitchen, looking so damn appealing, I'd lost all strength to fight it. My nerves came alive and I was a mess.

"I uh did breakfast," I said, pointing to the table.
"I see. Let's dig in," he said, sauntering over. I watched him but didn't move.
"Come on," he said, waving his hand over, "I don't want to eat without you." I don't want to do anything without you, I thought. I shook my head as if clearing that thought.
"What? You don't want to eat? That's a first. Did you poison this?" He said, jokingly.
"No, no." I shook my head again, turning scarlet. Pull it together! I walked over to him, and finally met his eye. He was giving me a strange look.
"Are you okay?"

I damn well should be okay. I should be jubilant and dancing on air. I had just had the most incredible sex of my life with the guy of my dreams. The guy I had been in lov with for years. This should be the best day of my life, but I was ruining it with my doubts and he was ruining it with all his carelessness. How could he just carry on like this was a normal day? I was struggling to look as if I wasn't in the middle of all my dreams coming true, but was acting like a totally awkward schoolgirl again. He was cool, calm and collected. Chipper, even. I suddenly hated him. How could he do this? He was confusing me so much.

"Anna?" He said, his melodic voice stirring me from my reverie, "Are you okay?"
"NO!" I said, leaping up from my seat, hearing my voice starting to crack, "No, I'm not." I suddenly felt a burst of anger and I whirled on him. "How can you act like .. that?"
"Act like what?" He said, standing now, "You're the one acting weird."
"BECAUSE THIS IS WEIRD!"
"What is??"
"Stop pretending it never happened!"
"I'm not! You're the one in denial, Anna. I don't think it weird at all. This is how it's supposed to be."
"Oh it is? Like how?"
"Us. Together like we were last night." He said, coming towards me and clasping my hands in his. I dropped them like they were hot coals.
"And what are we? Am I just your little fuck buddy now? I got promoted? Wow. I feel special!" I said, my sarcasm and defensive shield going up.
"What the fuck are you talking about?" He yelled, taking a step backwards.
"I just can't be your little fuck buddy, Sidney. I won't do that. I thought you would have had more respect for me than that."
"Anna. Why are you acting like this? You've got it all wrong."
"NO, Sidney Crosby, you've got it all wrong. I won't let myself get hurt. Now if you don't mind, please leave." I said, pointing to the door, tears raining steadily down my face now.
"Why do you think I'd hurt you? Answer me that then I'm gone. I can't believe you have such a little opinion of me."
"You've already hurt me, Sid. I can't do this anymore. I can't pretend. I can't be your little screw partner."
"I WASN'T ASKING YOU TO BE!" He screamed, his face scarlet now.
"Then what were you asking? Sidney, I can't do this. I know I'm already in too deep and the only way I know how to save myself is to just get out."
"What are you talking about?" He bellowed.
"I AM IN LOVE WITH YOU, you dumb, arrogant son of a bitch! I have been for years and only realized it a few months ago. Last night was the best night of my life and I don't know what we were thinking. I can't pretend it didn't happen because now my life will never be the same. Goodbye, Sidney," I was shaking now, I was crying so hard.
His face drained of all emotion and he just stared at me. He stormed to my room and emerged fully dressed with a hat on his head.
"Goodbye, Anna."
He shut the door behind him. He was gone.

Seventeen hours, twenty six phone calls (none from him), thirty four episodes of House, twelve boxes of Kleenex and at least fifty gallons of tears cried later, I left my bedroom. I felt rejuvenated, like a new person now. He knew all there was to know and I could move on because I had held nothing back. I went to lunch and a happy movie with my girlfriends. I washed my bedsheets, removing all memories and traces of him.
As I lay in bed that night, it had been officially two nights since Sid and I had made love. It was so perfect to me, it was dreamlike. Oh, but it was real. I found my thoughts drifting towarsd the night we had met and how unsuspecting we were of where each other would take us.

It was December 2005. I was home for Christmas break from school and hadn't had the chance to hang out with my dad yet. He was a busy doctor; for the Penguins, and at different hospitals and offices across the city. So he asked if I would go to the Penguins Christmas party with him.
I'd found myself sitting next to Sidney Crosby, the dazzling rookie who'd captured the attention all idle hockey fans and was only one day older than I was. We'd talked all night and exchanged my numbers. He told me up front he was too busy for a girlfriend or anything serious, so we agreed to just be friends and that was it. Our relationship grew from there. Soon, we were inseperable. We had movie nights twice a week. We tried to hook each other up with our friends. I cooked for him, and soon we had metals tagged as "our meals." I'd go to his games and laughingly report back to him all the lovestuck things I overheard teenage girls sigh, much to his embarassment. We'd sneak into the CMU gamehouse and I'd whoop him in basketball, Skeeball and ping pong and laugh at his temper when he lost. He'd wipe the place with me in tennis and shuffleboard. We became regulars at private little cafes and favorites of the wait staff. He and the team would come torment me at my job as a waitress, demanding that I change the ice in their drinks or fligning napkins and straw wrappers at me, while I would doodle all over their receipts. I was almost always the chauffeur as his SUV was getting too recognizable, and I would play my cheesiest playlists off my IPod for him. He did relent that "Stop" by Spice Girls wasn't bad and Britney had some catchy songs. He was moved by "The Notebook" but I didn't spot any tears. I showed him Pittsburgh as only a yinzer could; I helped him navigate backroads to avoid traffic and we spent hours in the Warhol museum. I picked up his family from the airports and helped him babysit Mario's kids. He gave me free tickets to games that I could pass on to sweeten my professors that hated me the most or were the hardest graders.

One of my best memories was when we were up in the VIP section at a nightclub after a 6-3 home win over Montreal in his sophomore season, during my Christmas break. Max Talbot poured me shot after shot, and prety soon I was obliterated. Sidney had stopped drinking to monitor me and make sure I was okay. I was dancing up drunkenly with this hot, equally drunk Pitt senior, who was laying trails of kisses all down my neck, when I noticed Sid was glaring at him. This thrilled me so I returned the affection. As we went to leave together, Sid stopped us and asked me if I was okay. I said I was and left arm in arm with my new conquest. On the way out to the parking lot, I stumbled and vomited all over my hot Pitt guy, who threw me back at Sid, disgusted. Sid drove me home and I cried the whole way... in between the frantic stops for me to throw up. Sid stayed the night, holding my hair back, fetching me water, stroking my back and mopping up my face with a washcloth. He tried doing the laundry, but ruined half my clothes. This may sound like a weird choice for a great memory, but it was the night I first told Sid I loved him. Note that, I meant it as a friend and he knew that, but it was a stepping stone to the place where we were today.

Sid and I had been out to dinner this November, after he'd returned from a roadtrip. When he'd walked through the door, I found my heart slamming in my chest, my palms saturated with sweat, and my breath catching. I marveled at how handsome and masculine he was. When he spoke, I found myself entranced by his mouth and the sweetness, gentleness of his words. When he moved his hands, I blessed them and the good work they did. He seemed so different tonight, yet he was the same, joking around with me.Why had I never seen him in this light before? He was captiving and beautiful. That was the night I truly realized the true depths of my love for Sidney Crosby, and that no other man would ever make me happy. I did my best to hide my feelings, but my utter delight whenever I saw him was hard to mask. Gary Roberts noted to me quietly one day, "You light up like a goal lamp whenever that boy walks in the room."

I sighed, as I pulled into my apartment building. I was graduating from CMU this year and then entering Pitt's Psychiatric Nursing program to get my Master's. I walked up to my door and found a note on it.

Anna-

We must talk.
Sid

I scoffed. We MUST talk? I'd talked enough, said all I needed to say. I ripped the note down and threw it carelessly into the wind. I jammed my key into the lock and pushed through the door. I felt my phone vibrate in my pocket and yanked it out.
He really did want to talk. I let the phone ring and sat, pondering how we'd gotten to this miserable state of being.

Sid had come over for our movie night. We were laying on the couch, on our second bottle of wine, laughing about our lack of love lives.
"I'm too busy," Sid had said, "you my dear, have no excuse."
"I'm busy too!" I bristled.
"Fine. But your like a bad serial dater. After two dates, your over it."
"I'm glad you noticed this so closely."
"You get over guys so quickly.
Not true at all, I thought. "No, I just never liked them much to begin with."
"Uh huh...what's your type?"
You.
"Umm. Smart. Sensitive with a good smile and confidence. Someone who can make me laugh."
"Why did you say smart first?You want some pompous Harvard guy?"
"Because after you, I'm sick of dumb guys."
"Ha!" He said, downing his wine and pulling me onto his lap.
"Why is all the focus on me?" I said, the wine was getting to me and I laid my head in his lap.
He poured us both another glass and replied, "Because I like making you squirm."
There was a brief pause before I said, "I'm not squirming now."He laced his fingers clumsily through my hair and threaded them through.
"No, but your pulse is racing."
"You don't even know where to find a pulse."
He placed his thumb on the back of my neck, pinpointing my pulse, which was racing indeed.
"The wine gets to me, I said defensively."
He reached for his glass just as I went to sit up. We crashed into each other and wine spilled down my tanktop.
"Ooops," he said.
"I'll go change." I rose to head to my bedroom,but he pulled me back down with one strong arm.
I found myself on his lap again and his eyes boring into mine. His eyes moved downward, "You have some wine, right here..." He said, his mouth suddenly on my throat. I gasped as he lapped up the droplets of wine.
I pulled his head back and our gazes connected. His eyes were smoldering as he leaned forward and gently placed a kiss on my lips. I pulled his head towards me as he went to pull away and started kissing him more passionately, like I'd always wanted to. He carried me into my bedroom and it took off from there.


I ignored three more calls from him before I went to bed with a headache at 10. I had a busy day tomorrow and was halfway to dreamland when I heard a fervent pounding on my door.
I swung it open and saw Sidney standing there
"Why won't you let me talk?" He pleaded.
"I told you already," I said, glowering at him.
"Well now I have something to say."
"Oh, do you? I think you said enough when you left right after I finished what I had to say."
He winced. "I know. I deserve all hostility, but just please hear me out, Anna."

I shrugged. "Fine."
He looked at me a moment and said, "You have my shirt on."
I glanced down, "Oh yeah. I sleep in it." Damn.
He gave a little smile.
"One, I was a complete asshole Friday night. I am so sorry. I didn't express myself clearly and just got freaked out when you poured your heart out. I wasn't expecting it, no, but that's no excuse for how I acted. I was juvenile and immature. Two, I don't regret what we did. It was amazing and I've been reliving it ever since. It really was the right thing to do, and again, I hate how I acted after it. You were so right that I treated it, you, too carelessly.I am sorry for that too. God, I am so sorry. Three, I've been the most pathetic creature ever since I walked out on you. I'm not saying this for sympathy, but just to let you know I'm a pussy without you. I don't have hockey [note: he was injured with a high ankle sprain] and I didn't have you. I realized seconds after I left how badly I hurt you and felt awful. I couldn't come crawling back to you until I knew what to say to you and most importantly, how I felt. That's why it took me so long to get my spineless ass over here." He took a deep breath. "Four, Anna, I am crazy about you. I am so totally in love with you, so completely yours and I am confident that I've been this way since the day we met. I want to be with you forever and beyond that. You are way too good for me and I know that. You told me you were in love with me three days ago, and since then, I've changed. I'm a different man, once I saw how badlyI hurt you . I'm much better for you now then I was, still not good enough, but someone I think is almost worthy of you. If you could love that boy who stormed out of here three days ago, then I think you can find it somewhere in your huge heart to love this man, standing before you now, heart in his hands, begging you to forgive him."
He stopped and looked at me, waitiung. I stared a him, my heart pounding in my ears. We didn't break gazes as I walked slowly towards him.

I leaned close to him and whispered, "Take off your shoes, you are getting mud all over my floor."
He grinned, but looked worried as he obeyed.
I kissed his cheek, and started pulling his shirt over his head. He went to help me, but I gently slapped his hand away. I unbuckled his jeans and slid them down to the floor. He stepped out of them. I yanked his boxers down. He was standing in front of me now, completely vulnerable, never breaking eye contact with me. I took his hand and walked him into my bedroom where I pushed him onto the bed.

I stood in front of him and slowly removed each article of clothing. I lay down besides him and put my thumb on the back of his neck, "Your pulse is racing."
"You get to me," he whispered.
He rolled me underneath him and we made love. And believe it or not, it was even better the second time around.

"I love you," I whispered.
He smiled, "I love you too,"
The next morning, he actually made me breakfast in bed and all was as it should be.